Who am I?

Did you ever ask yourself that question? Who am I? If you came up with the usual answers like your occupation, your gender, your age, your marital status, your relationship to various people, your avocation, an imprinting experience like being victimized, or any the many other things that makes up your life situation; you did nothing but scratch the surface. Yes, you are all of those things although some may change, but you are so much more and your true identity is none of the above.
About fifteen years ago I took the intention of being my authentic self. I did not really know who that was or where it would take me but I knew I wanted to be authentic, I knew I wanted to be who I really was and not who others thought I was or even who I wanted to be. I wanted to be authentic.
I lived that way several years, almost a decade and much progress was made, but at a fundamental level a blockage remained. At a fundamental level I was not willing to give up control; I was not willing to go where I had never before gone, I was not willing to step into the unknown. Yes changes were made, some of them very major, but I hung onto the mainstays of my life as I knew it at the time and was very resistant to letting that go.
My soul had been given more and more permission to express itself and more and more authority and one thought kept reoccurring. The next step for me was to dedicate time and resources to the development of my spiritual nature, to becoming a more spiritual being. One June day in 2004, I took that intention and wrote it down in my hard covered journal. I was playing computer games at the time and resolved to spend that time targeting spiritual development instead of wasting it playing games. About six weeks later, a major choice point presented itself and a huge internal battle took place. Again, I wrote in my journal to unearth my truth. As I wrote, it became clear that if spiritual development was my priority, the choice was simple and I resolved to ‘act as if’; thus making the decision as I would have made it assuming spiritual development was my priority.
Over the next three months, I acted as if spiritual development was my priority and several more decision points came my way, all decided in this same fashion, all decided by acting as if. None of these was as difficult as that first choice as the pattern was now familiar and more easily followed, but it was all a temporary thing, an experiment of sorts. I continued my normal life but made these decisions based on this new criteria placing emphasis on my spiritual development.
One evening in late November about one hundred days after taking the decision to act as if, I was watching a movie, the original Shrek, and when the movie ended, I sat in my chair and began to cry. My wife asked if there was anything she could do and when I asked her to just let me be, she headed upstairs and waited for me to regain my equilibrium. As I sat there crying for no apparent reason, I realized I was no longer acting as if, I realized spiritual development was now my priority and I was no longer acting as if. My tears were tears shed for the persona I had left behind.
My life changed rapidly from that point forward and about eighteen months later I attended my first meditation retreat and realized that being authentic was something I could not do without following the guidance given me each and every step along the way. This was a paradox of sorts. Being authentic meant I had to give up control of my life, being authentic meant I could no longer make decisions out of logic and reason and had to instead consult my heart and honour the guidance given me. I expressed this as ‘surrendering to Divinity’.
That was the best decision I ever made.
Freedom for humanity…

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About freedom4humanity

Serving Humanity with information about the Divine process of Ascension.
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2 Responses to Who am I?

  1. Neo Zen says:

    Who am I? A very important meditation question indeed! Next is the Vipashana question “What am I?’ to go deeper to the Source.

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