A Koan

A friend of mine presented me with the equivalent of a Buddhist koan, a small presentation of the nature of ultimate reality, usually presented as a paradox. Her sister sent her an email offering to explore a truce on a mysterious matter the sister has thus far refused to disclose. My friend experiences her sister as highly manipulative and entrenched in a victim world view. Specifically the sister believes her life is a mess and that she has no responsibility in creating this mess or changing in any way targeting to create something different.
A little history seems appropriate. My friend used to bend over backwards to help this sister and made several attempts to teach her to accept responsibility for the life she is creating and consider changing to create what she wants. In the past couple of years, my friend has avoided contact with her sister and finds this approach far more satisfying than attempting to help someone seemingly unwilling to help themselves. Thus she is reluctant to open up what is likely to be a can of worms concocted by her manipulative sister. It is important to note that victim mentality can be expressed either aggressively or passively. Passive ways are complaining, pleading, ‘oh, woe is me’ ways. Aggressive ways are rescuing, bullying and other ‘how dare you’ ways. They are one and the same. The only variable is how victimhood is expressed.
The koan for me is this: What is the appropriate response to people entrenched in a victim world view? I have a great deal of personal experience and have developed approaches and techniques that work for me. Essentially, I tell the victim my truth about how I see them and then put some boundaries in place. The boundaries are that I will not spend time in a victim mentality. If the other person wants to change and create what they want, I will help. If they want their ‘story’ they are welcome to it, but I refuse to listen to it anymore or participate with the person while they maintain their victim position. Often victims want change but can only see it originating in the other person. When this situation arises, I tell them I will leave if they continue this approach and then follow through accordingly.
I am well pleased with the results of this approach. Some get the message and shift, taking responsibility for their life and creating what they want. Some continue their victim mentality and remained in my life by honouring my guidelines, at least when we are together. Some leave my life or I leave theirs.
Does this approach serve the greater good? This approach has worked for me, without exception. Sure, there are some people with whom I desire improved relationships but they get to make their own choices and sometimes that is not what they want. The real test is that I cannot think of any case where I took a more conciliatory approach and had success. I just got taken advantage of or got embroiled in activities I found very unsatisfying.
Might a more conciliatory approach work for someone holding a victim mentality? Possibly, but in my experience and in my observations, this has always resulted in co-dependency of some form. Nothing anyone can do if someone chooses to see themselves as a victim. That is a choice they get to make and no one can unmake it against their will. Unless the victim is willing to change, attempts to change them simple reinforce the victim opinion. Thus, the only approach that has a chance to succeed is the one I have taken, limiting my resources to those people who take responsibility for their life or genuinely want to shift toward taking responsibility for their life.
An important rule of individual sovereignty is that everyone gets to make their own choices. I will share these thoughts with my friend and she gets to decide, both how to respond and how to proceed after responding. May her choices be blessed.
Freedom for humanity…


About freedom4humanity

Serving Humanity with information about the Divine process of Ascension.
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